I have learned of syntax,
of the context which keeps secrets secret
and jokes ‘in’.
glittering and multi-faceted
our language sheets before us
in a slowly-moulding
unmeasurable stretch;
Strewn through the navy bulk of specifically correct
drift sparkling chunks,
the ways & words of cliques & clubs
somehow a glue that holds a group together,
and if closely examined
you can read their story
in the heartbreak of jokes
between the lines.

October ’07


6 Responses to “Syntax”

  1. 1 Walden October 3, 2007 at 4:16 am

    Ok, here goes. First off, I like the idea of the poem. Consider a line break at the first instance of the word secret, as such:

    I have learned of syntax,
    of the context which keeps secrets
    secret and jokes ‘in’.

    Consider a different verb than “sheets”. Consider doing away with the extra spacing in the line: “Strewn through the navy bulk of specifically”. And why navy? The phrase “specifically correct” could be worded better. As well as the phrase “Drift sparkling chunks”. Get rid of the word “somehow” in line 13.

    As I said, this is a great idea for a poem and a good first draft. Continue to work and refine it. Keep writing!

  2. 2 Walden October 3, 2007 at 4:17 am

    P.S. I have linked you from my blog. You have great potential as a poet.

  3. 3 Jak October 3, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    i dig it. it stands well on its own. enjoyed.

  4. 4 pizazz October 4, 2007 at 3:43 am

    Thankyou Jak!

    And thankyou very much for the constructive crit, Walden. The line break you suggested would be good, except the way I want it to read is with a pause after “secret” and before “and jokes in”.

    I used the verb “sheets” quite deliberately, as a technique I learnt from a writer’s workshop – using words that are not verbs as verbs. I wanted to create the image of a large dark sheet, so I used the word sheet as a verb rather than saying “the lanuage is a large dark sheet”. 😀 if you have an alternate suggestion I’d be happy to consider it.

    I’m not sure what you mean by extra spacing in the line “Strewn through the navy bulk of specifically”. if there is any extra spacing there I can’t see it, nor did I intend it to be there, it may be the formatting of the website.

    I used “navy” because the image I had was navy and that’s what I wanted the reader to see. The language being a navy and the syntax and context being the silver sparkling chunks – like stars in a night sky.

    You say the phrases “specifically correct” and “drift sparkling chunks” could be worded better. but how? Any suggestions? I can’t think of anything, though I don’t mind “specifically correct” I’m not quite happy with “drift sparkling chunks”.

    If I was to get rid of the word “somehow” there would have to be a replacement for it. I wanted to imply that there is something amazing and strange about what is happening.

    Thankyou very much 🙂

  5. 5 Idetrorce December 15, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    very interesting, but I don’t agree with you

  6. 6 Bec December 19, 2007 at 6:50 am

    You don’t agree with me? How so? please, elaborate, I am interested in hearing what you have to say.

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This blog is the collection of my poetry and prose, in chronological order from most recent to oldest.

Constructive critique is actively encouraged!

I am usually singing words as well as writing them, and make lots of other art. You can find me & my other art at any of the below links. x

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